Update

I haven’t blogged in over a year for many reasons, but since I’ve resurfaced from the woodwork, I thought I’d give some kind of update on what has gone on for the past year and why a hiatus was so necessary.

1. I had nothing to blog about. I did not want to post just for the sake of saying something. I decided to stop writing about my life and start living. At the end of the day, memories made will be worth more than 500 words on the Internet any day.

2. I had other things to do. I wish I could say that I was traveling the world,attending fashion week in Paris, Milan, New York, and Madrid. Instead I was looking for a job in my field as a recent college graduate, working a job that I increasingly hated by the day, trying to revive a newly developed yet already dead relationship, all while living in a hellhole. You try to find time, energy, material to blog with that going on and I will give you a cape and a blue suit with an ‘S’ on it.

3. How could I blog about love when I was failing at it! This bullet requires its own post.

A year and a fulfilling job, cute apartment, and awesome boyfriend later, I’ve been hit with the blog bug again. I will cover the past year and how it led me to the love that I have always needed.

HeartBreak, HiddenBlessing

Back in the day, when I was around 15-16, I fell in love for the first time (or so I thought ) There was nothing you could do or say to tell me that I was not going to marry this boy. He was Romeo. I was Juliet. He had a promising football career, Homecoming King, nice looking. I was most likely to succeed, valedictorian, cute girl . Match made in heaven right? WRONG. He eventually “cheated on me” with a girl from his hometown right before I left to go to college out-of-state. I was crushed . He broke my heart. My future as I wanted it no longer existed.

That was over 5 years ago. Needless to say we did not become the perfect couple. Now he is still with and has a child  by the girl that he cheated on me with. He has been to jail twice. He beats and pulls guns out on his girlfriend. I do not write this to highlight his downfall at all, but I do now realize that if I held on and tried to live happily ever after with him there is a 99% chance that there would be no happily.

In 2005 after our break up, I thought my world was over. I now realize my life really would have been over if I stayed with him. This heartbreak and many other situations in my life that have led to me being disappointed and unhappy were ultimately hidden blessings.

So many times we get depressed as a result of something not going “right” in our lives. We try to hold on so tight to something that is not really our best, failing to embrace the possibility that there indeed could be something better if we just let go.

The more things don’t go my way and then end up going even better than I expected, the more I realize that nothing in my past was purposeless…nor did it solely exist to make my life hard and miserable. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.”

Your next heartbreak can really just be His grace protecting you from unseen dangers and preparing you for hidden blessings.

Love: Game-Over

He loves God.  He adores me. His drive inspires me. His dreams intrigue me. His positivity soothes me. His humility captivates me. His smile enchants me.

I enjoy his company. I pray with him. I feel like I’m the only woman in the room world when he’s around. I know I have some baggage, but he makes me want to not pack anything and just buy clothes when we get to where we’re going.

All of this surprises me.

I KNOW the game of love; How long to wait before I call. How to be unavailable to make him want me. How to play my cards right to get the upper hand. I’ve played the game of love so many times…and my record is 0-394,949,294 (lol)…each time coming out of the battle with shattered pieces of my heart, fading self-confidence, and limited sanity.

My bouts with the game of love have made me paranoid. I know for sure that I deserve a person that does all the things that he does, but everyday I would think “Is today going to be the day that he starts acting a fool?” In all actuality today or tomorrow or the next day will NOT be the day.

I’ve now retired from the game and all its deception and instead embraced love’s reality. The only way I could begin to win is by realizing that love was never really a game to begin with.  This time around I’ve thrown the rules out the window and opened my heart, and I will surely come out on top ♥

Try at Your Own Risk

Warning: I’m sensitive. I think too much. I overanalyze things. I’m picky. I give a lot of myself. I treat others the way I want to be treated and when I don’t get similar treatment in return, I get upset. I’m dramatic and make a bigger deal out of things than they really are when I’m mad. I’m demanding. I’m considerate. I’m moody. I love myself…a lot. I don’t express myself well. I don’t open up easily, but when I do, I break easily.

I may cause slight irritation, seemingly random drama, and arguments that may mean little to nothing but I’ll temporarily act like it is the end of the world.

I sometimes find myself misunderstood, looking like a fool, and/or in situations that could have been avoided, if I had this permanently applied to me (i.e. tattooed to my forehead, branded on my shoulder, or ghettoly *I know that’s not a word* airbrushed on a shirt that I wear daily).

So there you have it. My very own warning label. Consider yourself warned. Use me ummm Get to know me at your own risk.

Gone and Soon Forgotten

Jasmine Lynn, a Spelman College student, was killed on Clark's campus this morning.

My heart is soooo heavy as I write this. At about 12 am this morning I lost a Spelman sister. Jasmine Lynn was shot by a stray bullet on the campus of Clark Atlanta University.

The number of times I walked the same path that was her final trail after midnight is so high I couldn’t even begin to count. I can remember my parents bringing me to Atlanta after summer break 4 years in a row. I’m sure her parents brought their daughter back, just as mine did in the past, never imagining that they’d be picking up their daughter’s things without her in tow, only 2 weeks after she began her sophomore year.

Needless to say twitter has been blowing up by fellow Atlanta University students and alum. Everyone has wrote their RIP’s and stated their opinion about the state of the community that we love dearly. By noon Jasmine Lynn and the issues surrounding her death was already old news. It’s now business as usual.

What breaks my heart is not only the loss of a young lady that didn’t get a chance to scratch the surface of the mark she could have made on the world, but also the state of our generation.

Honestly, most students in the Atlanta University Center wouldn’t have even known or cared to know Jasmine if she wasn’t “high profile” i.e. Miss Maroon and White, on SGA, apart of a greek organization, or of a certain status.

Our generation has turned into materialistic, classist, wanna be “cool kids” that have perfected sitting on our behinds and stating our opinion AFTER things happen, but we have failed at standing up for what we believe in and speaking out in order to prevent them from ever occurring. As if saying “RIP”, “stop the violence”, or “I’m so sad by this” via our cool technological devices and social networking sites is enough…actually it’s worthless. It says something but does nothing.

Sadly, tomorrow this evening Jasmine Lynn will be old news…replaced by what NeNe did on Real Housewives of Atlanta, or who did the best on Project Runway.

There will be many more Jasmine Lynn’s if we don’t put aside our passiveness and pick up true passion and concern for what happens to people and in our communities.

What’s Wrong with Me?!?!

Ok ok ok there’s nothing blatantly wrong with me…I’m fine. So don’t worry your pretty little head off but I do have problems. Often times we totally skip over the things that are wrong with us or prevent us from being who we want to be or getting what we want to have. To make a very long story short, we have problems pointing out our flaws be it mentally, physically, spiritually or relationship wise.

It’s easy to point out surface issues. I’m broke. Bills are due. I’m lonely. I want to get married. My credit is bad. I’m depressed…the list could go on and on. But it is so so so so so hard to point out deeper issues…negative personality traits, psychological issues, or things in the past that have affected our current situation. No one just wakes up and has “surface” issues, they happen over time, and they happen because of some deeper problems. Tapping into deeper issues is the only way to over come the surface issues, become the best person that you can be, and find true joy.

I’ve stated my “surface” issues many times in my blog (job problems, financial strains, etc) but here are my deeper issues:

• I’ve struggled with being myself. I’ve grown up in a very successful close-knit family. I’m the middle child and my sister has gone on to become a doctor. Although I now see that it is not the case, many times I thought that I was always being compared to her and had to live up to all that she is. This has caused me to beat myself up many times when I had no reason to and also caused me to think I wasn’t good enough. I’ve thought I was living in her and other people before me’s shadows. I’m goofy. I’m eclectic. I’m wacky. I don’t really fit into a normal box. I’m a homebody. I like being alone. I’m a thinker. I analyze people. I like wild hair. I’m different. That’s me. I didn’t think that was who I should be because I was not surrounded by that but it is who I am.

 

• I fear what others think. I value others opinions a lot. So much that I will hold myself back. This can be good but in some cases it has been a negative attribute. There are many things that I don’t do out of fear that I won’t be accepted (primarily by family) or out of fear of being told no. Which leads me to not doing a lot of things or putting them off to the last minute.

 

• I procrastinate. I wait until the 11th hour to do most things that I have to do, especially if they are not fun or if there is any SLIGHT possibility that I will be told no.

 

• I try to please to many people and sometimes am too nice. I really believe in treating people the way I want to be treated and being a positive person in the lives of others, but sometimes I can just be stupid. After the 17th time I need to say no. I’ve realized that sometimes kindness really IS weakness. I have been extremely nice and giving to others in hopes of something in return, be it friendship, love, or just a returned favor when I need it, many times for it to not be returned. My giving usually has ulterior underlying ulterior motives. Rather is it is to be recognized or to get something back that is still an ulterior motive.

 

• I’m irresponsible when it comes to my responsibilities. I’ll help others do what they need to do ALL DAY and put off my own responsibilities. This comes back to bite me in the you know what every time. I usually end up sitting somewhere struggling while the person that I have helped is no where to be found.

 

• I do not express myself well. I do not say what is on my heart or what I feel as often or adequately as I should…especially verbally. This probably goes back to me being afraid of the word no and fear of the opinions of others.

There you have it. That is what’s wrong with me. Nothing in my life has happened because I broke a mirror or a black cat crossed my path… It is because of what’s wrong with me. PERIOD. They are the root of ALL of my issues. Since acknowledging and working on my deeper issues, I have made much progress, matured tremendously, and become such a happier person. Pinpointing surface and deeper issues is the hard part, but after becoming who you were always meant to be in every since of the word it’ll be sooooooo worth it

It Could Always be Worse

One of the most popular sayings to a person that is going through trials and hardships is “Someone is going through much more than you are” or “It could always be worse”…but could it?

When hard times come it seems as if we are the someone that has it worse instead of the one that has it better. You are who you make your self out to be. If you want to be the victim that the world hates for no reason, be it. If you want to throw a daily pity party in hopes to get oooooohs and aaaaahs and sympathy attention, do it. If you want to ignore all of your many accomplishments and blessings to proclaim your little problems, go right ahead. To each his/her own.

I choose to be a victor who overcomes any and every situation. I choose to uplift myself and others. I choose to be the one who could have it better and not be the one who has it worse.

The only difference between positive and negative people is their outlook on life. Positive people go through messed up stuff too. It is their attitude and reaction that is the sole difference. So when you are in a bad situation and wish you were in the situation that the happy person is in…you actually don’t. Because if you had the happy person’s situation you’d still make it out to be the worst. You NEED their outlook and positivity.

I know it sounds cliché but it really could be worse. If you are alive, no matter what you don’t have, it could be worse because you still have life.

Life is all about how you look at it. You have the choice to be the victim or the victor. You can claim a life of positivity or pity. I choose positivity and it feels soooooooo good

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty" -Winston Churchill

Be Faithful Over a Few Things

After graduating from, Spelman College, the #1 HBCU in the country, I thought I would easily enter the workforce with a banging job, save money for a couple of years with no problem, and within a couple of years have a new house, car, and good money in the bank.  SIKE!!!! I could never be farther from achieving those things. I thought after getting a degree I would become successful and financially well off over night.

I found myself currently working for my church part time, living off of VERY little money, and living with my cousin and her 2 year old son….see I told you I was way off from achieving those things. This is not the life that I expected for myself after getting a $120,000 degree.

At 22, I have sooooo much more to learn like managing money, paying bills, and responsibility. As I stated in a previous post, it is important to learn all that you can in your current season and not focus so much on the future. I’m trying my best to do that. I’ve learned so much about myself in this little time.

Living modestly and not being where I want to be when I want to be there has taught me so many things. Usually going from nothing to something very fast usually only leads to a train wreck. Matthew 25:23 states “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.” I now understand the importance of being faithful over a few things. “Few things” serve as lessons and preparation for the many. If I can not manage a little money, few bills, and little responsibility it would be a HOT mess if I had the task of managing more.

So I just take it all in stride because my slump is actually not even a slump. Instead, it is a stepping stone…preparation for more opportunities and responsibilities and much success!!!

Forget to Forgive???

 

Many people have come in and out of my life within my 22 years. Most were in my life for only a season. When most people leave out of my life, especially on bad terms, they leave to never show up again…PERFECT. I like this because there is no awkwardness nor does the past situation linger. But what about the ones that left on bad terms, to only come back later.

While in college there was a guy that I lovvvvvvvvvvved. He was handsome FINE, about to start law school, and we got a long really really well. Things went well for us for a while. He met my family and we were good. He eventually graduated college (he was a Senior, I was a Junior) and went back to Illinois to begin law school. We kept in touch over the summer, talking every single day until he randomly stopped calling. I didn’t hear from him for about a week. When he did call, he told my that he had found someone else. Needless to say, I was crushed. My world was turned upside down. Before then, I had no doubt that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

After he told me this, I deleted him from my life. If he called, I would not answer. Months passed and we talked. He apologized (blah blah blah) and things were fine. (Although I knew they would never be the same.) The incident happened almost a year ago. Now we talk daily about everything. Things are almost the exact same (or better) as they were before, but my feelings definitely aren’t in it the way they were the first time around.

During this whole fiasco I have realized that there is a very thin line between forgiveness and stupidity. I have battled continuously to see which category I fall in. I won’t dare tell my parents that he and I have resumed a friendship because they would definitely think I fall in the stupid category. I know that I can not change the past, nor can I predict the future, but am I setting myself up to allow the same thing that happened before to happen again?

I don’t know. Only time will tell. I have forgiven him whole-heartedly, but the situation has taught me things to remember as we go on this journey the second time around. I’ve learned how to protect my heart. If I had done this the first go round I wouldn’t have been so hurt. I’ve also learned to expect anything. When someone has to choose between your feelings or theirs, no matter how much they say they care, at the end of the day there’s a 99% chance they will go with what they want to do. Therefore I make decisions for me and me alone. Not him.

Holding grudges only hurts the person that holds them…If the person that hurt you really cared they would have never hurt you in the first place…so they don’t give a rat’s pinky toe that you won’t forgive them. They probably also never thought they were wrong from the start. Forgiving people takes a load off of you and clears your conscious. It is best to forgive, but do not be stupid and forget the exact reason why you got in that situation to begin with.

I’ve chosen to forgive. Which has allowed me to clear my head and mend my heart (for now), but we’ll see where forgiveness reallllllly gets me in the end.

Parenting 101

My life is spent around a LOT of kids. Babysitting was my college hustle. I now keep my pastors 5 kids once a week. I live with a 2 year old. I do not want to be a teacher or work at a day care or be a nanny. I have no earthly idea what my constant interaction with children means for my life or how this will benefit me in the future. I know for now it has been EXTREME birth control. For the future I think it may have been Parenting 101 so to speak.

I believe that there are many callings on my life (I am still trying to figure out what some of them are) but I’m pretty sure that one of those callings is to be a mother. I love my kids and they aren’t even born yet and probably won’t be any time soon. Most decisions I make are already for them: the money I spend/or save, the men I interact with, the decisions I make. I have wonderful parents so they have set the bar super high.

I have a God sister who is 2. I took a liking to her at church and started taking her in when she was 9 months. She has now moved to New York and I’m a little distraught about it. I miss watching her progress and learn how to talk clearly, or me teaching how to do little sassy girlie things. If I’m this attached to a child that’s not even mine, I wonder how I will be when I have children of my own.

The most important thing I have learned from my interaction with the many children that I have come in contact with is parenting skills. Being a parent is a task. It’s hard. It’s one of the ultimate sacrifices that a person can make. Parenting is a full time job and it realllllly isn’t meant for one person. It is possible, but I’m pretty sure single parents would prefer to have help.

I have come to realize that parents do not have much time with there children at all. If you work a 9-5 and get home around 6, the child has to eat and be in bed by 8ish. That’s basically 2 hours. I don’t think I will be able to handle this. I do not want day care to raise my children. I don’t want them to see a teacher more than they see me. I don’t want the television to babysit them while I’m doing my own thing. As a result, I’ve concluded that I will HAVE to work from home after I have children. I don’t want to have to drop them off to a random person when they are only 1 year old.

I’ve come to realize that parenting is way more than being a chaperone or disciplining a child when they do wrong. I’ve had some great examples of how to be a good parent and also great examples of what not to do.

I know they say an ounce of experience is more than a pint of advice, but I’ve kept more kids than Old Mother Hubbard had so hopefully my experiences with enough children to make two Tarzan movies will suffice as my Parenting 101.